A Disclaimer:
There is more than enough rot and rage in the world at the moment. I don’t particularly want to add to that, especially when publishing to an audience that deserves compassion and peace.
However. In order to achieve that peace we have to accept the anger that comes first. I wrote this piece before the events of the 2024 US Election and was leaning towards leaving it unpublished, but I think it’s time to give voice to our anger so we can either use it or move past it to build something better. I hope that reading this piece brings you the same catharsis that writing it brought me.
Once upon a time, a very sad boy did a very bad thing to me.
And I'm still so angry.
I have the bloodiest dreams of revenge. Someone once offered to kill him for me. And God, I know he's not worth the effort, but the beautiful truth of the matter is that I am. I want to let go of this anger so badly - it keeps me awake in the middle of the night and tarnishes my mornings. But at the same time, I don't know how to let go of this anger without letting go of my love for myself. Because that's where this rage comes from - I have been wronged and abused and I love myself too much to forgive it. I deserved better.
Even when I let it go for a while, sooner or later I will see a picture of myself as a child (the easiest version of yourself to love is the most raw, and when I learned to love myself I started with my childhood). I will see a picture of this fat, rose-cheeked toddler holding hands with the people she loves and I could burn him for knowing that she lives within me and he hurt her.
I was wronged before I was old enough to rightly be called a woman, and I've come of age with a fury hardwired into my brain.
I dream of my fingers twisting and breaking into claws and digging them into his throat. If I found out today that he was dead then I'd buy myself wine and flowers and love that day forever.
The problem with wanting revenge though is it implies that you care. And more than wanting revenge I need to prove how unaffected I am. So I keep my words cool and my mouth shut and have perfected the art of screaming without making a sound.
After all, every cool girl has a beast in her chest.
B.
Continue Reading:
every girl has a beast in her heart - what a LINE beautiful. Incredible. Heart wrenching